She was in my bed, where she had been for the past few days. Despite pleas from everyone, she refused to go anywhere else.
I watched her sob her heart away and I almost wished I hadn’t done it. Seeing her there with so much anguish carved into her lovely face, it almost made me regret my choice, almost.
In the end, it had been worth it. The pain and the sorrow were all gone.
“Stop mourning for me,” I begged as I sat beside her, bed remaining the same under my transcendental body. She had to let go and move on.
She sobbed violently and pressed my pillow into her face, no doubt trying to breath in what little of my scent remained.
“It hurts too much,” she said through choked breaths. “Sometimes it feels like you’re still here,” she quietly added as her sobs began to subside. It seemed like that thought brought her comfort.
“I know sweetie but you have to move on,” I told her in a gentle voice. “It’s not your fault, I just had to leave,” I told her, leaning down and pressing a kiss to her temple.
Today would be my last day here; I could feel it deep down. I only lingered because of her, I was ready to leave this world behind completely. Life had much to offer her but nothing for me. I knew that now as I had known it then. There would be no more pain for me and no more sleepless nights. I knew that many wouldn’t understand that to them, this was the easy way out. They would think I was a coward for my choice but they would never and could never understand. Maybe their lack of understanding had played a role in my decision. If they could understand, they might see how tiring life had been for me for all my life. Day after day, dragging myself along and never really fitting in.
Every day, the world darkened a little more for me. It had left me with little choice. I’d always considered going but I could never find the courage. If they could understand, they might realize that it had taken strength to finally leave.
“I’m free and happy,” I told her, wishing I could make her understand that. “Just think of it as I’m going somewhere you can’t follow now but later, much, much later, I’ll be waiting for you,” I promised.
Seeing her like this saddened me beyond words but it had been the only way. I had lived my life in misery, always pushing through anguish that threatened to drown me. Often times, it won. When I managed to keep afloat, it never felt like a victory.
“It’s time,” I told her as I stood. I looked at the thick letter clutched tightly in her hand that I had left her. I had done my best to explain everything, I had begged for her not to mourn for me, told her how proud I was of her, and how she’d go far in life. I promised to watch over her if I could.
“Goodnight,” I told her as I watched her eyes grow tired from crying. “Sweet dreams,” I whispered as I began to fade away, just barely hearing her sleepy words.
“I don’t feel you with me anymore.”